Recently my thoughts have been consumed with equality and intimacy, and personal power. Volumes have been written about these concepts and I don't think I have much to add; that is not why I write however. It is the thoughts that consume me, that grab my attention in the middle of the night, that drive me to pick up a pencil and try and make a visual picture of a concept, it is these thoughts that must be explored in writing. And re-explored. And some record makes it easier to see ideas evolve and change over time. My need to reread them however is not the issue; it is the need to get them out of my head that is the driver.
My husband is a judge. He has a lot of power in his world; whenever he goes to work his every need is tended to, if not divined by his subordinates. It makes it difficult at home, in our relationship, to have equality because his idea of that concept is cerebral, not experiencial. Al was raised in a southern home in the fifties. In the time of Leave it to Beaver and Donna Reed. My Three Sons also comes to mind. Both his parents worked, both were educators. Homemaker was not a word one applied to Al's mother but keeping a home was important; for that they had Irene.
Irene referred to Al as "Mister Albert." From that experience his world was divided between women who met his needs and women who had authority. His mother was the authority in his young life, but Irene was his caregiver. The imprint of his relationship to women, and subordinates, was early and complete. One takes care of you and the other is the one you push against to gain your own authority. No equality in either relationship.
But when I started thinking about equality and power I realized we are all born into a place where first we are the center of our own universe, only to realize at some point early on that we are at least ONE DOWN in power as we measure ourselves against our parents. And that is if we are lucky; for many children one down would be a dream.
So for men like my husband, who was one down in relationship to his parents, he nonetheless was ONE UP with Irene. Within limits he could make his needs known to her and she would do what he wanted. He might have to manipulate her outside the confines of his parents domain, but for a child manipulation is second nature. And reinforced, in the case of a young man who not only gets his basic needs met but every bath drawn, every meal made, every dirty shirt picked up from the floor and returned clean to his closet. Which model would you choose if you were young Al? It is no accident he became a judge; he was born to play that role.
My place in the world was more than one down from my earliest memory. I had a father who was abusive, a mother who was emotionally absent, an older brother (the key being older) and a younger brother (the key being brother). In case I was confused about my place my mother frequently reminded me; I was the sneaky one, the liar, the cheater despite being a high achiever and not the least bit of a troublemaker, unlike my brothers. The last words she spoke on the subject, before I no longer listened, was that while I got better grades than my older brother " your brother is smarter, you just work harder." And later "There is no money for you to go to college; if there were it would be for your brothers." This after being told at a nursing school interview that I should be going to college, not entering a diploma nursing program. And despite the fact that neither of my brothers desired a college education.
Education was my escape route from a family where I felt so devalued. I realized it at the age of thirteen, a particularly difficult time in most girls lives, true, but in mine it was horrific; I was called a whore by my mother while my father looked the other way and my brothers quietly observed. I became a feminist that day; I put my head down and studied, soaking up all the awards and accolades the world outside my home had to offer. My attitude took its toll in that my decision regarding nursing school was driven by how quickly I could be out on my own, independent of my parents, not by the education I really desired. The school offered a full scholarship and I would graduate in three years; winning hands down over four years and student loans.
A nurse is one down from the truly educated; doctors. A registered nurse from a diploma school is one down from a college educated nurse, this despite thousands of hours of training that resulted in more hands on experience. And eventually I realized that my diploma put me one down from my college graduated husband, whom I would go on to put through law school; never would I be equal in his eyes. "You don't really mean that; You don't really think that; You don't really want that" were his frequent refrains throughout the course of our thirty plus year marriage.
I fought for equality in that marriage. I became more educated. Gaining awards for devotion to my family, my education, my community, I felt empowered and vital. But inside that marriage I was always one down, sometimes more in the patriarchal system that governed our lives. So I divorced. And remarried. This time not just a lawyer, interpreter of laws but a judge, dispensor of laws. As one relative, a court reporter, told me "I can't believe you went from being married to a lawyer to being married to a judge." This only two weeks into the second marriage. I didn't realize what she meant then; I do now.
My struggle for equality is synonymous with my struggle for power. As I have gained power I have fought for equality; the more personal power I gained the more equal I would be or so I thought. But each marriage was to a more powerful person than myself, and my father. So hasn't my struggle for power, and equality been against my father all this time, a man who is long dead?
My father was a sergeant in the army, high ranking in the enlisted ranks. My first husband graduated from West Point and was a lieutenant in the army, low ranking among the officer ranks but outranking any enlisted soldier. I myself joined the army and became an officer but that was not enough, I was not respected for that by my father. Respect for my husband came with the patriarchal system; for me no system was powerful enough to override my father's attitude towards me and women in general.
My second husband outranks my first husband in the world of law. My first husband, when he goes to court, must behave in a reverential manner to the judge and abide by his judgments. He can appeal them to a higher court but he cannot argue, or disagree openly, with the judge. I have watched the dance when my judge husband is in court, I have seen him exercise his power and I have seen the dance that lawyers do to befriend judges. It is all about power. So haven't I won in the power play?
Haven't I defeated my father despite the fact he is dead and cannot jump across the net and shake my hand. If my sense of personal power is coming from within then I would say yes but as long as I am engaged in the struggle for equality with my husband, waiting for him to say and do that which shows I am equal to him, then I have lost. Or at the very least I am still in the game. I am still trying to wrest power from my father and that is the shame. Because it was never his to give.
My own father came into the world ONE DOWN. He left home, joined the army the day he turned eighteen, to achieve his independence; to gain power and equality in his own personal struggle. Did he achieve that goal? Based on his life long drinking habits, his abusive behavior towards his wife and children, I would have to say no. He never felt secure in his own power; his sense of self was only achieved by keeping others down.
That is the problem with power and equality. We are all born at least one down and we all begin our struggle for power and equality when at the age of two we utter the first "no". Some of us are helped along the way by our parents, our teachers and our employers. But most are kept down by the need of the more powerful to feel secure. Sharing power is not easy.
Equality is a wholly different thing; power is sought by everyone but equality is sought by the one down segment. Personally I have never heard a white man talk about the need for equality. Power and equality are inexplicably intertwined yet different. Equality comes with a state of mind as much as it is granted by society through laws and judgments. Power is measured by jobs and income and accrual of wealth. I can have power and not have equality and I can have equality and not have power. It is time to define the two anew. Because I think with equality, the kind of equality we get when we know who we are, comes a different kind of power. This is surprising to me as I write because it has not come into any of my thoughts or discussions of the past week. And it is taking me dangerously close to the beatitudes, not a place I am comfortable going.
'Amen sister' I can hear some of my friends saying.
Oh...and there is intimacy. That's a real kettle of fish.
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