Home Alone....

Having coffee this morning I find myself alone. Al has gone to the mountains to tend to some business and I am at home nursing a cold. At times in my life I have become aware of how bad I am at being alone. Oh, I do it well for a day or two, glory in my alone time in fact whenever Al goes home for business and I stay by myself in the mountains. After a day or two, however, I need company. Conversation. Another human voice.

A number of years ago I began an effort to become more conscious. It was not a choice so much as the forces of nature pushing me in that direction, but nonetheless I began the steps necessary to the process of self awareness. One of the first assessment tools I utilized was the Myers-Briggs personality test. The one where we determine if we are introverts or extraverts among other preferred modes of being and operating in the world. There are four pairs of preferences that are evaluated and on three out of the four I tested dominantly in one camp or the other. On the attitude of extraversion vs introversion I tested smack in the middle. And so while I have many of the characteristics of an introvert, like a need for  in-depth conversation and fewer, more meaningful relationships, I also love a party, especially when I get to be in charge. So on days like today the extrovert gets antsy. I need to talk to people; but guarding my alone time I dare not leave the house and seek out companionship. Horns of a dilemma.

My husband is certainly an extrovert; extreme extrovert in fact. He never tires of entertaining, whether at home or in the mountains. I am more divided in that need so have come to prize my time in the mountains as my alone time and my time in Augusta to meet my social needs. The time in Augusta is spent catching up; arranging dates with friends and meeting for coffee, drinks or dinner more than entertaining in our home. It is more of how our friends live nowadays. For me, the time in the mountains is to kick back and read copious numbers of books, take long walks and even hikes, and cook interesting meals. But here's the catch; when you have a retreat away from the extreme summer heat it feels somewhat selfish not to share it.

Entertaining in the mountains takes it up a notch though. It means having house guests, 24/7 or more likely two or three or even sometimes four days at a time. And often the sheets are washed and put back on the bed only moments before the next guests pull up in the driveway. It is extreme extroversion. Al loves it; I not so much, however much I enjoy the in-depth time spent with close friends. Horns of a dilemma.

We became the proud owners of our little mountain cabin, aptly named "Pickett's Retreat" a little over four years ago. At the time we had been married three years and while we have four children between us there were only three grandchildren. Life had become a little busier, but much more stimulating and interesting. Entertaining in a way that only required us to grab our car keys and head to Savannah, or Montgomery or Atlanta. Now, four years later with a total of ten grandchildren, grabbing our car keys has become second nature.

As a grandmother of seven of the children, unfettered by a need to work outside the home, I spend more time on the road than my husband. Being a retired judge Al is able to work part time, engaging his love of people and the law. He spends about a week and a half a month in Augusta working; I spend some of that time with him tending to the needs of our hundred year old home, but some of that time I take advantage of his busyness to visit my children. Or just recently, to take grandchildren to the mountains with me for some one on one time.

This fall I have become aware that all of my relationships are suffering from my nomadic life. Some friends in Augusta have fallen by the wayside; others have become less of a priority as the grandmother call has gained prominence. Due to my need for some introversion I haven't really made any friends in the mountains which means it is almost essential to import house guests to meet Al's need for extroversion. And my relationship with myself, my call to be more conscious in an active way, has taken a back seat. Not to mention my art.

So as I sit here, early this December morning watching the sun rise, I am aware of a need for balance. How precarious balance is; without realizing it I find myself alone on the edge of the diving board. New life in the water, old life staring at us from the pool surround. Who will jump in the water with us we cannot control. But the need to jump is apparent because there comes a time that running back and forth, climbing up and down the ladder, just doesn't work anymore.

So as we move into a new year I find myself once more needing to stop and listen to my life and my heart. To set some limits and decide what, and who, is important. Some things will go, some will be reclaimed and some movement will be necessary to incorporate the new life that beckons from the depths. It is exciting, a little anxiety producing, and just a tad exhausting, to contemplate. But I have been rolling along for the last seven years mostly reacting to things outside my control; okay not completely reacting but more than I would like, more than is healthy for a sense of well being.

Expectations. Changes. Work. Balance. All beckoning as this year comes to a close. A new home to become an outward and visible sign of inner change. That's the plan anyway. Catch me this time next year and see how I am doing. For now, enjoy and give the extrovert a little fun. Winter is a great time for inner work.